Name: Orlando Jordan
From: Ames, Iowa
Height: 5’ 8”
Weight: Not fat, but not ripped by any means. Somebody who used to be athletic but stopped working out because of age.
Hair Color: Usually white, but somehow purple some days.
General Demeanor: Always slouching because his old body needs a cane, but his pride can’t handle that.
Office Look: Different color polo every day. Khakis every day. Always looks ready to go golfing. Always is ready to go golfing.
Outside of the Office Look: The same as the office look. Always prepared to come in to the office. Or go golfing.
Favorite Possession: A framed picture of his first car. A 1968 Corvette. It’s not a picture of HIS car, but it’s a picture of a 1968 Corvette that he printed off of the internet.
Orlando “OJ” Jordan is a fucking 85 year old man. He loves hot women, porn, his job and fucking swearing god dammit. He should retire, because he stopped being good at his job 10 years ago. If he stopped working, though, he would die.
He always talks too loud on the phone, and it’s very upsetting to most people born after 1950. He’s always ready to play a game of golf. He is desperate to hang out with the cool young people in the office, because then people will think he is also young and cool.
Despite his generally angry demeanor, and although he is almost entirely disliked by everybody he meets, OJ has some good qualities. Like he… uh… he’ll pay the bill whenever the gang goes out to eat! Oh..but also he doesn’t tip. Actually… he makes a point to write “I’m not tipping you” on the tip line… But at least he pays! He also really loves candy. Well… he does love candy… but sometimes he’ll take a bite of the complimentary office candy and put it back if he doesn’t like it… it’s gross. Um… He loves talking about sports! … but if you disagree with him he somehow gets louder than he usually is and send your anxiety through the roof. Jeez. There has to be something good about him that doesn’t have a negative side. Oh! He loves dogs and pups! No dark side here! Just a genuine love for our canine friends.
He was married once, to a woman named Tarleen, and it was the biggest fucking mistake of his life. He has three children (Orlando Jr., Fettuccine, and Orlanda) and 6 grand children (Orlando III, Gino, Parktree, Sylvia, Nicolita, and Orlanda Jr.) , and he resents them for being byproducts of a marriage. He especially feels threatened by the children that share his name, because it reminds him of his impermanence and that death is the ultimate loss. And he’s never been a loser in his goddamn life. If you tell him that you’re engaged or having a baby, he will call you a fucking idiot and make you want to quit your job.
OJ thinks that people find his attitude charming, but most people find it off putting and, specifically, upsetting. So he’s always in good spirits, despite his constant anger. Also, he played football in college and loves to bring that up.