Joanie Hoffman


Name: Joanie Hoffman

Race: Centaur

Class: Druid / CEO

From: Hoffman, Texas

Height: 26 Hands

Weight: 250, but MUSCLE. This is a guy who’s never not been in incredible shape. Where does he even find the time?

Hair Color: Long, wild, Chestnut, with a little gray at the temples. “Old gray mare, ain’t what she used to be!” he’d say. And you’d probably laugh.

Office Look: Effortlessly casual, yet perfectly dressed for a fashionable CEO. Earth tones, whimsical cowboy boots, and a bandana headband to keep his wild mane pulled back

Outside Look: The bandana remains, but somehow he gets more formal with western-wear inspired suits and--weirdly--sandals. Imagine if Willie Nelson had a hipster son who was in the NFL Draft.

Favorite Possession: A large rodeo belt buckle with a huge emerald set in it. The buckle says “Hoffman Farms” on it.

Charming, larger than life, and somehow totally chill; Joanie Hoffman is the heir to the vast Hoffman Farms fortune, and to understand the company is to understand the man. Hoffman Farms began as a health food company started by his Grandmother, Hilda Hoffman. When the reins were handed to his laid-back father, Horatio Hoffman (who named Joanie after his favorite singer: Joanie Mitchell), the company began to collapse as poor Horatio shirked his duties. Soon it was taken over by Hilda’s wicked brother, Horatio’s Great Uncle Hector Hoffman. A cruel man with an eye for expansion and a complete lack of compassion, Hector made Hoffman Farms into the modern business leviathan is now is: Hoffman Industries. Chemicals, oil, arms manufacturing, and medical research soon replaced the granola bars and vitamin tablets that had been the company’s mainstays for decades. But no amount of money could ever satisfy Hector, and at an impossibly old age he dropped dead at his desk, cigar still smoldering in his mouth.

After a brief power vacuum in the wake of Hector’s death, Joanie showed up at a board meeting to declare himself the best candidate to take over for his Great Uncle. “What can this strangely dressed young hippy teach us about business?” Hector’s Yes-men thought, shortly before they were offered Joanie’s master plan: legal weed. Transforming speculative oil fields in Fantasy Colorado and Fantasy California into vast pot farms, the newly restored Hoffman Farms turned an incredible profit in the first several years, till Joanie slowly, but steadily, shuttered all of his Great Uncle’s more “morally ambiguous” enterprises. The board was furious, but Joanie truly didn’t give shit, especially as his allies began buying more and more stock, removing his detractors from positions of power.

With his company humming along spreading environmental awareness/high-quality bud, Joanie found himself kinda...bored. So he took a trip back to where it all started: Flimsy Gardens, TN. This is where he attended a small liberal arts college (majoring in forestry) and where he met the man who changed his life: a small, red-headed goofball who smoked him out his first day in the dorms, engendering in him his love of marijuana (which he had previously avoided, associating it with his feelings of resentment for his lazy father). As fate would have it, this same small, red-headed goofball happened to be visiting his old hometown at the very same time as Joanie. This was how Joanie reconnected his his old pal Hobe Shadetree, and how he found his next business venture. A place where he could goof off and cut up and engage in some good ol’ fashioned office horseplay! Some guys buy a sports car when they enter their mid-life crisis. Joanie Hoffman bought NPC Inc.