Agnes Hellman


Tiefling Bard

Office look: Black jeans, black boots, band tee (usually black), black blazer.

Outside the office look: The blazer comes off, revealing a bicep portrait tattoo of Danny Devito. (She has two other tattoos: Jack Nicholson's eyebrows on her forearm, and a chipmunk skeleton smoking a cigarette on her thigh.)

Hair: Short dark purple hair, often gelled into a mohawk if she is performing that day.

Favorite possession: ‘99 Gibson SG Standard Cherry, named Betty Noire.


Agnes is really freaking cool.

Typically she has on a band shirt from Cat Monkey, Loose Worms, or some other group you’re not cool enough to have heard of. At 5’3’’ and barely 120 pounds, Agnes shouldn’t be intimidating, but her unnaturally black eyes (contacts??) and boundless coolness are enough to make any grown man (or beast) keep their distance.

She grew up in a military family that never stayed in the same town for more than two years. Her father, Damon Hellman, was a brilliant back porch bluegrass musician. Although he never had the taste for being on stage, he loved playing for friends and family, and taught Agnes to play the banjo as soon as she could hold one. Now, he would crumble against her hellishly fast finger rolls in a banjo duel.

She went to Berklee College of Music in Boston for classical guitar, but dropped out after one semester to tour with a (very cool) punk group she met by chance (if she has enough drinks maybe she’ll tell you, she’s not one to talk about herself much). Her conversion to punk happened over night, but fit her as snuggly as if it were the last piece of her favorite puzzle (she collects puzzles).

Agnes’s speed and nimbility on the strings (both five and six) is only matched by her fiery wit. She could cut down a tree with three words if it gave her cause, but she’d much rather sit against it and work on new Folk Fusion Punk songs for her solo act.

You should really come see her band Satanic Panic play, they’re very cool.